The first week I was basking in the excitement and experience of everything and the beginning of the second week I was doing fantastic, getting used to the schedule and realizing what an amazing opportunity this is. How awesome God is that we are all here from complete different parts of the world and worshipping together. I was desiring to seek God on a deeper level, I asked Him in our prayer time on mon or tue to hear HIs voice audibly and hear Him in new ways. I was really challenging myself and trying to grow in HIm. Then as soon as or almost right after I asked to seek God's voice, this wave of anxiousness that was so strong just pulled me down. I began to doubt everything and get lost in the confusion of my brain and past. I was definitely off for a couple of days, maybe more, I just couldn't smile. I was struck with every kind of anxious fear I have ever thought of.
just as soon as I was pulled down into this dark cycle of worrying and discontent I was pulled out with a simple phrase from God spoken from another. I believe it was wed morning prayer while we were all praying and praying for each other, Ruth came over to me and told me that she felt God speak to her a word for me. She told me God is speaking to me to tell you that, God is not a God of confusion, God is a God of clarity. The walk with God is simple and clear. I just started crying and the emotions were flowing, it was exactly the rock and word from God I needed to stand on to pull me through this week, it was incredible! It was so beautiful, what I wanted to hear and when I look back on these words they inspire me. I have been processing this all week and given to God those areas which I cannot understand yet, I asked for prayer and we prayed over our rooms this week and the castle, it was very calming.
The next day in prayer time I prayed for all the hurt in my life and others, from family members and situations. We prayed for what was standing between us and our relationship with God, we all wrote these on a piece of paper and burned them in Lucy's, (one of the speakers for teaching) fire she made outside . While we were in the classroom we also discussed what we thought God thought of us. What I said, caught me off guard, because I didn't realize I thought this till I said it. I spoke up and said, I thought God thought the world of me, but I didn't believe Him. I didn't realize until now, that whenever I said God loves me or God sees so much in me I was just going through the motions, I didn't actually believe it or understand why God ever would. It was actually something I have never fully accepted. I have come to realize what I think of myself is related to what I think God thinks of me, thats where I truly get self worth or value from God so its natural if I don't accept His ultimate love, peace and worth through His love that I would put myself down. This is a hard concept for me, I don't understand what God gains out of loving me, what is in it for Him so to speak, but I guess He's God and He doesn't think like a selfish human. Although, I think this, I am striving to be able to accept His love and also because Lucy made us write it down in our notebooks that God believes in us, ugh!
It was either the day after or two days after we all worshipped together and jumped, shouted, danced for God. It was awesome, I felt revived and free, and afterwards Josh prayed over me and said that he felt God was speaking to me and saying thank you for being obedient, for jumping and shouting for God. Thank-you, just thank-you. That meant so much to me, because even though I haven't accepted His love I do obey God, even when I make mistakes that is something I do strive for and God does say thank you and appreciate me.
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