God Says Walk and I Stand (week 4)

This week for me, was all about understanding " The Calling." We talked about missions work and the leaders spoke about their experiences. Ruth spoke about four girls her and Ola helped to make a cafe with in Ethiopia. Only one came to Christ, that was a bit of an eye opener for me. The rest of the girls couldn't handle the freedom, I guess in following Christ and leading a different life, so they went back to their old ways of life in prostitution. All of these testimonies from the leaders really moved me, as well as when Liz spoke about when she went to Africa and how she and her team got swept off their feet when they left. They left Africa in a time of crisis and it hit me when she told us that she was overwhelmed with the fact that the U.S. Army even sent in airplanes and military to get all their American people out, but the people of Africa had no choice but to stay, because that is their life. Wow, what is this?

Another thing which made me think was the team who went to Ethiopia who talked about the children they rescued from mingi. Mingi is a condition where in a tribe, if children are born out of wedlock, with deformed teeth, or other deformities they are killed. The team in Ethiopia at the time realized something must be done to rescue these children and they made trips to put these kids in orphanages or what not. Kristen spoke about how the first child they rescued, had to sleep on her stomach for the night, because the child was so ill. It was incredible hearing this even second hand it was so moving. All of these stories, just really made me think, what I was doing with my life, to help people, to further God's kingdom and use the talents he has given me. 

I feel God's hand so strongly in my life in this time. All of these things are built up, the base, the cool experiences, God's love, the passion I feel inside of me, but when He calls me to walk I stand. True I get off the ground, but He has called me to so much more. I even had some experiences of people at the base speaking into my life, what they felt God wanted them to tell me. Dycke from the base spoke to me about some things, that reconfirmed past words that people have spoke to me before and feelings and words I have received myself from God.

I can remember on tuesday in worship I felt like shouting YES JESUS, just being so excited, and i stopped after one really awkward Jesus cheer… Yeah… Jesus… Fear of man swallowed me whole in this moment. I felt dead to the spirit, it was horrible. Past issues of fear and bonds I already have broken popped back up . What the heck is going on? 

I felt like God wasn't speaking to me, I was a little out of sort! It came to me that God had already spoken to me and continues to, but it was the same questions He had for me. Will you follow me no matter what, in whatever circumstances, no matter whatever people think?How much will you really commit to me, Sierra? 

When the week started to wind down, I realized when I felt I let God down in the little step of not shouting in worship, its true I couldn't follow through, but my calling was not sabotaged in this action.    I felt paralyzed by fear, because I know God tests us in the little steps in order to lead us to the big steps for Him , but God was trying to show me something. Its true I have choices to obey, but the God of the universe knows me better than anyone else and He knew I wouldn't be able to feel shout that day. God knew that an area of my life needed to be exposed, before I could move on. Fear of man was rooted in past fears planted in my brain. I let the fears of the past define who I am, based on what I try so hard not to be. Its a constant proving myself strategy, which has nothing to do with 

God.

What happened next was really cool, such an answer to prayer. I went to Prague, Czech Republic for the weekend with Fina and Raquel and through that we had some cool conversations! I explained to them what I was struggling with, past issues I thought I had dealt with etc.. Raquel told me not to let the sin itself become your idol. She explained in her experience when she tried to let a sin or something go, she would focus on what she wasn't going to do and then do it again get mad and start all over. She would continue to focus on what she wasn't going to do, when she did it it got worse and she felt bad that she did it, cause that is what she wasn't ever going to do again. It was a vicious cycle. She finally figured out to focus on God, not the sin, and to not beat herself up if she did it, but to just go okay I messed up, now what is God doing in my life today. This was extremely helpful, and made me think of higher things, instead of getting pulled into old thought patterns.  

That rest of the weekend after we had that talk Friday night went well, and I was way more content. Not necessarily always overjoyed, but content to be with God amongst the struggle. 

We also went to church on Sunday and i just thought it was so school that in a nation where christianity was rare I was going to church and worshipping God! Although, there was nothing extraordinary about church that day, just being there and praising God was really cool! That suffices week four!